I had a very poignant reminder today from a beautiful client and friend just how fragile we are when life throws us a challenge.  Without going into too much detail as what we talked about was confidential … it made me sit and think this afternoon about how we prepare for death … yes I said death.  It’s fine if you want to step away and go read something else or perhaps stay and see where this goes …

I honestly can say (hand on heart) that I was petrified of death and would become very upset about what I would miss and those that I would leave behind … this stemmed from my latter teenage years and really escalated when I had our first baby, even more so when I had our second.  But it’s odd how a life experience can really change how you see something and how you are prepared to break and overcome the big “white elephant” that sits in the corner of your life and keeps nudging at you …

It’s important to acknowledge that you are scared of things and not fear that someone will ridicule you for this.  At the end of the day it’s important to face your fears.  How I hear you ask?

The following has some useful tips:  Link

For me it was to face the fear directly, yes I did journal after the event and periodically I use this blog to explore … so how did I face the fear … I met it head on and decided that I would doula my grandmother in her final hours & days with us.  I didn’t have the luxury of my nana talking to me in her final days as she was given large doses of morphine … so I never had the odd conversations I had had with my other nana when she was going through the final stages of her life.  My mum experienced nursing her to the end and it wasn’t pleasant.  The after effect and months of strain really showed on my mum and affected her at a deep level.  So for her to not be there when her own mother passed away was something she felt very deeply.  Their connection was amazing and my mum says she knew when she passed even though she was on a cruise at the time.  As a family we had persuaded them that they should take this holiday and to enjoy themselves.  It obviously was tinged with sadness because they had lost someone very special to them.

So what is a death doula?  This article explains what soul midwives, death doulas and end of life companions are.  The role is similar to that of a birth doula which welcomes life into the work, holding the space for the mother & baby, ensuring that the environment is calm and relaxing ….

Final Flings articles says:

“A dying person often cycles through emotions – lonely, lost, scared, stuck, regretful, angry, resolved, resistant, submissive. An end of life companion can fill an emotional and spiritual gap by being alongside them at this challenging time. This is especially valuable as we live increasingly scattered, independent and mobile lives – often with no close family or friends to support at the end of life. ”

For some of us we choose to be there every day but there are some that cannot cope with seeing their loved one decline and change from healthy to very ill.  This is a choice again that should be respected.  They are the one’s that have to find their comfort zone and will be the ones that will have to face making this choice and whether they have any regrets.
What is important is you!  How you are coping, how you are being supported, how you are supporting those close to you?  How you are supporting the one who will depart?

I remember being asked if I would ever consider being an end of life companion because of my doula role and at the time I felt very unsure because of my fear, also that I wouldn’t be very good at this and wouldn’t know what to do.
So how did my doula skills help and support the final days and hours of my Nana’s time with us.  I sat and chatted quietly to her, made sure she was comfortable, hydrated and aware through touch that I was with her.  I read to her and chatted like she was fully awake and holding a conversation with me.  It was very one sided but I honestly do believe that she was aware of me being there.  Yes I had tears and took comfort breaks and would go and touch base with the staff for a few minutes occasionally.   The room was kept calm, relaxed and lighting was low.  Holding her space and ensuring that she felt protected.
They eventually sent me home as I had been there all day and said they would call if there were any changes … I remember saying bye bye and as I walked out thinking that I hoped I would see her again but knew in my heart that I probably wouldn’t.  I came home to cuddles with my children and husband to try and explain that great-nanny was very poorly.  There were tears, some laughter, little reminisces as we sat and then the phone rang and I just knew … my husband was fabulous he took the call and yes she had passed with just one person with her, a lovely lady from the nursing home.  She picked her time and knew that those she loved were together.

So how did this help me face my fear?  My grandmother was a fighter and would always endeavour to find a solution, would ensure that no one ever stayed mad at each other, would make the most amazing pies (apple, gooseberry) and would spend quality time with you.  I always felt close to her, she raised me for the first 6 – 10 months of my life, I walked for her first and she never said a word to my parents just ensured I did it for them when I was with them.  She was unique … a true warrior woman and a pillar of her community … yes she had this wonderful habit of flying down the hill at 5pm to do her shopping having spent all day either pottering in her gardens, or playing the piano/organ or baking and then deciding that she needed x, y or z.  She was always there for us.  She was our church organist when we got married and I felt so proud of her.  She was right up there with us at the front of the church when we exchanged our vows and I felt her strength.
So in her final days and hours I felt that I had to be there for her.  Her strength when she was truly at her most vulnerable helped me to see that we shouldn’t fear death, that we should in actual fact live life as fully as we can and celebrate every day.  We should talk about our fears and address them, we should support each other and know that there is someone who has experienced what you are going through and acknowledge that it’s good to talk, thanks Buzby, that there is a door open and a cuppa and cake on hand with a listening ear and a box of tissues.

Be brave, connect with them and enjoy the time you have with them.  Create more memories to go with the ones you already have.  Don’t ever underestimate the power of touch and voice.  They know you are there with them until they decide to take the last step.

For those of you who know me well, I am forever finding feathers in the house, in the car, in my husbands car, in my pockets and I am a great believer they are left to remind me that I am being protected and looked after from the loved ones who have sadly departed us and I would like to think and believe that they are all reunited up there and having a wonderful time.  Have a glass or too of happiness as we remember you all very fondly and with a huge dose of love.

I apologise if you are now reaching for the tissues … this is for my dear client and friend and I hope you find the strength to support your loved one.  Hugs Cx

Rite of Passage was written a little while ago but started this journey so I attach the link …   http://rippleeffectyoga.co.uk/?p=3464

I have managed to keep it together today but there was a moment this morning where my son managed to reduce me to tears sitting in the car because he didn’t want to do his spellings … we did them but it was a test in patience on my part and being gentle with him.

Why am I feeling so all over the place – or so “discombobulated”!  Yes that’s the word … frustration at life; challenges that I know I need to keep me balanced and grounded; a week being a “single” parent … not sure how anyone manages it full time … my hat is off to you as I did it but there were a few days where we were a little tight on the school run!  Classes are buoyant but I have had to make a horrible decision to stop my classes at a beautiful yoga studio which has such an amazing energy all because I don’t have sufficient numbers for those classes and mums are dropping off naturally with their babies as they become more active.  It was a challenging week … but then ….

I found a new treat … homemade using freshly brewed coffee, hot milk or cold (depending on a warm of chilled drink), cream and butterscotch topping … to die for ..

If I start to look like the Michelin man please say as I worked so hard to lose the 8 stone, I don’t want to put it back on!  But I think that every now and again won’t hurt.  So with said coffee in hand I sat and started to message a client and those flood gates I was trying desperately to hold back were opened when they sent me this …

what you do is different to everyone else, you are not just my yoga teacher, you have come into our lives and touched it! Most pregnancy yoga teachers don’t buy gifts for mummy’s and daddy’s and you do sooo much for us all! Do you know ripple effect has just felt for me like a big family that would be there forever… You created that

Thank you for reminding me to pause, have a good cry! (always does us the world of good) and think about why Ripple Effect Yoga exists; where it has come from; what was the inspiration behind it; why it works so well.
Thank you to you all for wanting to experience an empowered birth; for choosing to support one another and be there in the happy moments and those moments that are tough and challenging.  It’s not just a business (I smile when I write that) because I see everyone as part of a “family” one where we don’t have to see each other every week but can meet up for meals, picnics in the park, Christmas parties, Empowering Birth evenings, our little ones birthdays, our birthdays or just a good old chin wag over a cuppa and cake during the week when the fancy takes us.  That is what this wonderful community have created.

We can laugh, cry, be happy, be sad and know that those surrounding us will be there to support us and have a shoulder to rest on or cry on, what ever our needs may be at that moment.  Where else would we get that type of support?  Who else would understand us (apart from our partners & close family/friends) and isn’t it good to know you can wake up at varying intervals night and day and that there will be someone around that you can text, call, Facebook message, post on the Facebook page or your own and that within a few seconds/minutes or maybe a few hours there will be a whole host of supportive comments to buoy you up in your time of need.

So thank you my lovely client for reminding me why I love teaching and why you are all so important … I am off to spend time in my sacred space and to focus just for a little while on “me” the woman, not the mother or the wife, just good old me, Claire … I am going to delve into the layers and try to find her … perhaps the time has come for you too?

In love and support
Cx

Touching on several hot parenting topics, Connecticut Working Moms has posted a series of empowering photos, encouraging women to stop judging one another, and pleading for an end to the mommy wars.

What are the ‘mommy wars,’ you ask?

From post-baby bodies, to feeding methods and choice of diaper, to the length of maternity leave, many moms pit themselves against each another in a negative dance of comparison and judgement.

“Why do you co-sleep with your child?” Or, “Home schooling will negatively affect your kids’ social skills.” Or, “Raising kids without religion will damage your kids’ souls.”

These any many other judgemental statements/thoughts are being challenged in this compassionate new campaign, asking our fellow sister to embrace various parenting styles and stop the mommy wars once and for all.

Check out the special photo shoot, touching on some of the hottest mommy topics out there.

Link

Link

Female Pelvic Anatomy:

Basic Information –

Diane Lee PDF: Understanding Back and Pelvic Girdle Pain – with basic anatomy

Interactive Anatomy: The 3D Vulva

***New Addition (2/17/13) 360 Degree View of the Pelvis – Muscles, Nerves, Arteries and more!

A funny, but thorough description: Women’s Health Magazine – Female Reproductive System Explanation

Anatomy of the Female Pelvis for Dummies

** Great info to know!    Muscles of the Pelvic and Perineum, Origin, Insertion, Action, and Nerve

Ten Myths about the Hymen

Video Link amazing – must watch

Beyond Basics:

** Check this out!! PDF Download with Dissection pics too : The Neuroanatomy of Female Pelvic Pain – Springer

Diane Lee PDF: Neuromuscular Anatomy

Abstract:  Neuroanatomy of the female abdominopelvic region. Pelvic pain syndromes.

Standardization of Terminology of the Pelvic Floor: (c/o Herman and Wallace): 

Anatomy of the Pelvic Floor and Stress Continence System

Female Pelvic Floor Anatomy: The Pelvic Floor, Supporting Structures and Pelvic Organs

PDF: Contemporary views on female pelvic anatomy  (2005)

Abstract/Shortened Version: Facts and Myths about the Pelvic Floor

Functional anatomy of the pelvic floor

Slideshare Presentation: Anatomy of Female Reproductive System

** new addition (1/12/14) An excellent set of videos  and information- AnatomyZone Tutorials: The Female Reproductive System

Male Pelvic Anatomy: 

Basic Information:

WebMD Male Reproductive System

A funny, but thorough male description: Women’s Health Magazine and the Male Reproductive System

Anatomy of the Male Pelvis for Dummies

Beyond the Basics: 

** New addition (1/12/14)  Full Access to the Video Library for the International Academy of Pelvic Surgery. Videos include detailed anatomy and surgical procedures of the pelvis. * You must sign up for free to gain access – it’s worth it!

Abstract: Dynamics of Male Pelvic Floor Contractions with US Imaging

Neuroanatomy of the male pelvis in respect to radical prostatectomy including three-dimensional visualization 

Yoga and Pelvic Anatomy:  ***new addition (1/12/14)

One of the BEST sites ever for combining yoga and anatomy. Great posts on the diaphragm, labral tear prevention, and the piriformis.   The Daily Bandha

Video – Yoga Anatomy Visualisation – Check out the anatomy pants – hamstrings, glutes. Well done!

Video link

Video Link 2

Video Link 3  Male pelvis – dissection!

Video Link 4

Video Link 5 – fab resource …

Video link 6

Video Link 7

Video Link 8

Video Link 9

Video – SI joint

Video 11

Video 12 interesting comparison between male & female pelvis

Video 13

I read with interest the following link about parenting experts and then it made me start to think about what and how we say something.

We live in a culture where it appears to be the norm for a mothers space to be invaded with those that feel they can rub her bump and it doesn’t just stop there as once your precious little bundle(s) arrives you are inundated with other peoples advice, experiences and views about how YOU should parent.  They think that just because you are new to this you are going to need every point they can give you or pass on advise that is out of date what they forget is that they were once in the same scenario and it undermines your intuition and makes you doubt whether you are tuned into your babies needs.

I  know I have been very aware of saying things to clients, friends & family and thinking oops is the proverbial s**t going to hit the fan but always trying to avoid advice and signpost them accordingly or asking them what they instinctively feel they should do or have done.  Always trying to create a positive BUT what happens when you have said something not even being aware that what you have said has been hurtful or made another person feel that they are not doing the “right thing”.  You have made them feel inadequate, a failure.

How often do we think before we speak?  Would we be mortified to know that we made someone feel that way???  That they had gone home and been sad, had cried, felt depressed and unable to face going along to that group or meet with that particular social group … that it took them ages to verbalise how this person or their comments had made them feel.  That they believed they had failed as a parent and failed their little one?

Would the person who had said it, tell them “to woman up and get a life” or would they feel some empathy when they were a little further into their parenting journey … if this is making you sit back and think about how you are around other mamas and their bubbas and how you say things … then great.  To sit & reflect when you aren’t in the midst of upheaval can be challenging as your mind and energy are trying to catch up from lost sleep etc

As a new mother I was told I was a failure by a midwife because I hadn’t given birth to my daughter but she had had to be dragged out of me by c-section.  I promptly told this woman in my real hour of need (I had just spent 5 days in hospital and felt very institutionalised!!) that she was not welcome in my home and to send someone different when they were next coming to see me as she was no longer welcome!  She also had the audacity to tell me in no uncertain terms that I was a failure as a mother because I wasn’t breastfeeding my baby and that my husband should be at home with me as I shouldn’t be alone.  What this woman didn’t realise was that I would spend the next 4 weeks alone in the witching hours as my husband was busy writing his dissertation for a degree he had worked 4 years towards.  I would come to my wits end resulting in a frantic phone call to my parents at 4 o’clock in the morning saying I couldn’t do this anymore and please help me.  I had frightened myself so much but I had had the common sense to place my baby in a safe space and then when I couldn’t calm her I had ended up smacking the side of the cot she was in and then having to walk away to sob my heart out, to try and drink a cup of tea and then make the most important phone call in that period of my life to my mother who was nearly 150 miles away.  I thank my parents for coming the next day and taking on our baby & I in a real time of need.  We don’t always see eye to eye with our mothers but their are times in our lives when they are so important and this was one of them for me.

What would the woman, who so easily feels that she can spurt advice or say what she thinks, say to me about this period in my life?  I also acknowledge that my experience is not the norm and that many women’s experiences both during birth and postnatally leave them feeling traumatised and shaken and likewise there are those others who experience the most amazing, empowering experience of their lives.

The result for me was to be proactive and ensure that no other woman or family should be subjected to this attitude or the harsh, critical comments that people can make who may not have engaged their brain, or may feel it is their right to make comments, give advice and criticise a particular choice you may have made.  Ask yourself this question:  Do they know you well enough to offer support?  Do they know what your home life is like?  Do they know YOUR baby?  Probably not …

The classes I facilitate are safe spaces and at no point would I expect a mother to come back to me and tell me that she didn’t feel she could come along anymore because she had been made to feel a failure by another mum who had felt it was her express right to voice her “advice” … but right under my nose it happened and I didn’t know about this for weeks remaining completely in the dark and then it all came out.  I was devastated and felt that I had failed to protect this mother & baby in the so called “safe space” but then I sat and chatted to a few of the mums who I have had the privilege to nurture and support during their pregnancies into parenthood and as they said to me – you aren’t at fault because these comments that were made may not have been meant to make the mother feel undermined or a failure, perhaps the person saying it hadn’t really thought it through or was on her own sleep deprived high that she just didn’t fathom that her words could do that much damage.  I have to say thank you to these wise women and understand that sometimes things are said or done that I can’t control but that the space I provide for these mamas and their bubbas is one that when they step into it on their special morning that they leave feeling nurtured and have had the opportunity to bond with their baby and to focus on themselves and their little one for a few hours.  They were able to slow the roller coaster for a short moment in time, to feel a sense of wonder at being a mother.

So please remember that as new mothers we are very vulnerable, sensitive, sleep deprived, coping with a new baby in our lives with all the challenges and wonderful “aahhh” moments as well as feeling as if we have stepped onto a roller coaster that doesn’t stop and give you the option to step off … but sometimes slows down and lulls you into a false sense of security thinking “yes we’ve cracked it” but lurking around the corner is the next milestone or little developmental stage so necessary for your baby.  Again everyone will have their own ideas but remember …

this is your baby not theirs …

this is your parenting style, not theirs, not your parents so stand steadfast in protecting your baby and believing in you as a parent.

YOU are AWESOME and do not let anyone make you think otherwise.  Be reminded every time your little one smiles at you or laughs when you share kisses or blow bubbles on their tummies.

Please ….

With love … Cx