I read with interest the following link about parenting experts and then it made me start to think about what and how we say something.

We live in a culture where it appears to be the norm for a mothers space to be invaded with those that feel they can rub her bump and it doesn’t just stop there as once your precious little bundle(s) arrives you are inundated with other peoples advice, experiences and views about how YOU should parent.  They think that just because you are new to this you are going to need every point they can give you or pass on advise that is out of date what they forget is that they were once in the same scenario and it undermines your intuition and makes you doubt whether you are tuned into your babies needs.

I  know I have been very aware of saying things to clients, friends & family and thinking oops is the proverbial s**t going to hit the fan but always trying to avoid advice and signpost them accordingly or asking them what they instinctively feel they should do or have done.  Always trying to create a positive BUT what happens when you have said something not even being aware that what you have said has been hurtful or made another person feel that they are not doing the “right thing”.  You have made them feel inadequate, a failure.

How often do we think before we speak?  Would we be mortified to know that we made someone feel that way???  That they had gone home and been sad, had cried, felt depressed and unable to face going along to that group or meet with that particular social group … that it took them ages to verbalise how this person or their comments had made them feel.  That they believed they had failed as a parent and failed their little one?

Would the person who had said it, tell them “to woman up and get a life” or would they feel some empathy when they were a little further into their parenting journey … if this is making you sit back and think about how you are around other mamas and their bubbas and how you say things … then great.  To sit & reflect when you aren’t in the midst of upheaval can be challenging as your mind and energy are trying to catch up from lost sleep etc

As a new mother I was told I was a failure by a midwife because I hadn’t given birth to my daughter but she had had to be dragged out of me by c-section.  I promptly told this woman in my real hour of need (I had just spent 5 days in hospital and felt very institutionalised!!) that she was not welcome in my home and to send someone different when they were next coming to see me as she was no longer welcome!  She also had the audacity to tell me in no uncertain terms that I was a failure as a mother because I wasn’t breastfeeding my baby and that my husband should be at home with me as I shouldn’t be alone.  What this woman didn’t realise was that I would spend the next 4 weeks alone in the witching hours as my husband was busy writing his dissertation for a degree he had worked 4 years towards.  I would come to my wits end resulting in a frantic phone call to my parents at 4 o’clock in the morning saying I couldn’t do this anymore and please help me.  I had frightened myself so much but I had had the common sense to place my baby in a safe space and then when I couldn’t calm her I had ended up smacking the side of the cot she was in and then having to walk away to sob my heart out, to try and drink a cup of tea and then make the most important phone call in that period of my life to my mother who was nearly 150 miles away.  I thank my parents for coming the next day and taking on our baby & I in a real time of need.  We don’t always see eye to eye with our mothers but their are times in our lives when they are so important and this was one of them for me.

What would the woman, who so easily feels that she can spurt advice or say what she thinks, say to me about this period in my life?  I also acknowledge that my experience is not the norm and that many women’s experiences both during birth and postnatally leave them feeling traumatised and shaken and likewise there are those others who experience the most amazing, empowering experience of their lives.

The result for me was to be proactive and ensure that no other woman or family should be subjected to this attitude or the harsh, critical comments that people can make who may not have engaged their brain, or may feel it is their right to make comments, give advice and criticise a particular choice you may have made.  Ask yourself this question:  Do they know you well enough to offer support?  Do they know what your home life is like?  Do they know YOUR baby?  Probably not …

The classes I facilitate are safe spaces and at no point would I expect a mother to come back to me and tell me that she didn’t feel she could come along anymore because she had been made to feel a failure by another mum who had felt it was her express right to voice her “advice” … but right under my nose it happened and I didn’t know about this for weeks remaining completely in the dark and then it all came out.  I was devastated and felt that I had failed to protect this mother & baby in the so called “safe space” but then I sat and chatted to a few of the mums who I have had the privilege to nurture and support during their pregnancies into parenthood and as they said to me – you aren’t at fault because these comments that were made may not have been meant to make the mother feel undermined or a failure, perhaps the person saying it hadn’t really thought it through or was on her own sleep deprived high that she just didn’t fathom that her words could do that much damage.  I have to say thank you to these wise women and understand that sometimes things are said or done that I can’t control but that the space I provide for these mamas and their bubbas is one that when they step into it on their special morning that they leave feeling nurtured and have had the opportunity to bond with their baby and to focus on themselves and their little one for a few hours.  They were able to slow the roller coaster for a short moment in time, to feel a sense of wonder at being a mother.

So please remember that as new mothers we are very vulnerable, sensitive, sleep deprived, coping with a new baby in our lives with all the challenges and wonderful “aahhh” moments as well as feeling as if we have stepped onto a roller coaster that doesn’t stop and give you the option to step off … but sometimes slows down and lulls you into a false sense of security thinking “yes we’ve cracked it” but lurking around the corner is the next milestone or little developmental stage so necessary for your baby.  Again everyone will have their own ideas but remember …

this is your baby not theirs …

this is your parenting style, not theirs, not your parents so stand steadfast in protecting your baby and believing in you as a parent.

YOU are AWESOME and do not let anyone make you think otherwise.  Be reminded every time your little one smiles at you or laughs when you share kisses or blow bubbles on their tummies.

Please ….

With love … Cx